since my last blog post (which was literally a month ago but feels like ten years ago) i have gone on this roller coaster of life. honestly i am still not too sure on as to what has happened in the past month but i know every bit of it had purpose & has placed this thing in my heart that has lead me to sitting here. at the computer. typing my heart out.
let’s just be honest here, 2017 was a scooter to the ankle for me ya know? i can literally feel the scooter hitting my ankle as i write this but 2017 was the year i did not want but needed. it was a year of growth, and sometimes growth is hard as heck. walking through 2017 i did not see the purpose in the hard stuff, but now looking back on it i’m just like, “oh shoot. God i GET IT NOW”
i am so not about to write a sappy post all about 2017 but God has put this theme for 2017 in my mind that i needed to talk about because i feel like someone needs to hear it.
2017 was the year i learned to not give up when it’s hard. and i don’t know if you got outta 2017 and it was great but now things in 2018 aren’t super good and you are just thinking, “emma i am THERE in the giving up thing now.” or if you’re like, “emma what the heck are you talking about, i have never experienced that.” or maybe 2017 was crappy & 2018 did not start out all better like you thought and you are just sitting here wondering when you can give in & give up because you are in pain and you’re hurt and hope looks like a far off thing at the moment.
first let me say, hope is never ever lost. and quitting is not an option. you cannot give up now. it sucks i know. i am with you. i am literally walking through the hardest season right now and i am in pain, i am in SO much pain. but we cannot give up.
second i learned a thing just a few days ago from some good ppl & God absolutely wrecked me on the night this happened & when these words were spoken to my heart.
this season of my life has been hard & everyday can be hard on some level, but this past sunday in particular was very very hard. i struggle with anxiety and it is no fun, in fact it very much sucks the life right out of me some days, but sunday night shoot. i was so done. that night i had a somewhat last minute worship night to go to for this high school ministry thing i am apart of, and i did not want to go because the weight and heaviness of fear and anxiety was just falling on my shoulders, i wanted to stay at home. in bed. and cry. somehow in some way a text from my small group leader made me pull myself together (and by that i mean put some clothes on that weren’t pajamas and attempt to fix the makeup falling off of my face, inside i was still a mess ok. it happens. and that is okay, it is okay to be a mess) and go.
i wanted to crawl into the church this thing was at because i felt so weighed down and done. every thing in me wanted to fall on the floor and weep my way through the night because i did not know what else to do. anxiety started to grab ahold of my mind and heart again as i walked into the room where the worship night was and hi ya girl here was ready to leave five seconds into this whole thing. praise God for the good people He has placed in my life recently because i needed to sit down and talk my way through this with them and He provided the people and the strength for me to do that (yes and AMEN) so i did not walk into the room and let anxiety win, and walk right out.
i’m not going to spill every detail of that night but i just remember one of my small group leaders sitting and praying with me and listening and then her just sharing her heart with me. and then she said this one thing that wrecked my mind and heart, she said, “sometimes we won’t know how and we can’t wonder how we are gonna get through something, because that is where it can be dangerous. we just gotta know that God is gonna get us through.” don’t give up.
i will never in my life forget that or that night because the weight i had been carrying around that day was lifted and i felt like i could breathe again. walking through this is still hard, yes. but God placed this new peace in my heart, peace that everything will be okay.
i’m writing this blog post for the people who are just at the end of their rope. the ones who feel so broken and wanna quit. i am writing this for me. because i needed to hear this reminder today and everyday.
He is still good, our Father is so kind and faithful. He’s gonna get us through, and i might not know how but that’s okay. i just know He will.
don’t quit. don’t give up.